Versus Archive

Battle #1

The Incredible Hulk

vs.

Oscar the Grouch

Big and green vs. dirty and green. My first instinct is to go with the Hulk. He’s the immovable force. However, Oscar the Grouch is devoid of compassion and can’t be moved either. So in that regard it is a stalemate. Then you factor in the Muppet factor, which is always big.  

As I see it, the fight starts simply. The Hulk bounds in from nowhere and looks around at his surroundings. Everywhere he sees Muppets.

Hulk: “Who are strange funny furry cuddly creatures everywhere? Maybe funny furry cuddly creatures will be Hulk’s friends.”

The Hulk looks around and sees Kermit the Frog. Being that Hulk is green and Kermit is green he heads his way. However, before he gets there, Oscar pops out of his can.

Oscar: “Well, look what the cat dragged in. Where’d you get that face. I like the color, but you are uglier than a pile of rocks.”

This agitates the Hulk in more ways than one. First, the Hulk doesn’t like to be insulted and second ‘pile of rocks’ reminds him of The Thing and the Hulk doesn’t like thinking about The Thing. However, he’s still looking for friendship.

Hulk: “Why funny furry cuddly green garbage man mean to Hulk?”

Oscar: “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Whose funny, furry and cuddly?”

Hulk: “Everywhere I see funny furry cuddly creatures.”

Oscar: “I am not funny, furry or cuddly you big giant ape.”

Hulk: “Hulk is not ape. Hulk just want to be friends.”

Oscar puts his face in his hand and shakes his head.

Oscar: “You talk just like that idiot Cookie Monster.”

Hulk growls.

Hulk: “Hulk is not monster. Why does everyone hate Hulk? All Hulk wants is peace. Hulk Smash.”

Before Oscar can explain that they are all monsters on Sesame Street he’s smashed in his can like Sardines.

 I have to say that basically Oscar would never win this battle because all he’d do is agitate the Hulk to the point he’d smash him. Being that the madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets it would only be a matter of time before Oscar’s caustic wit would result in his own demise. Throw in that Oscar is virtually immobile due to his being in the can and the outcome is clear.

Bruce Banner, on the run from the re-animated and reinstated General Ross, turns the corner onto Sesame Street .  Upon seeing the fluffy denizens strolling about, he stops by a garbage can and stares in disbelief.   Then Oscar pops up, surprising the timid, mentally imbalanced doc and proceeds to berate him.  Dr. Banner, becomes extremely curious about this mass of cotton fluff's ability to communicate and wonders how smart he is.  Plus, being green, gamma radiation might have something to do with it.  The conversation doesn't go well and Oscar's anti-social behavior and quick-witted quips cause frustration in him.  Oscar throws garbage on Banner's last pair of decent shoes and pushes him over the edge.  He hulks out to stupid green hulk. (with Oscar's patented eyes widening)

"Hulk smash puny garbage man."

"Hey, you're green, too?" Oscar says.

Hulk bears a ham hock fist down on Oscar's garbage can just as the lid closes.  Oscar is faster and retreats beneath to the maze of underground sewers.

The Hulk kicks away the flattened garbage can and sees the nuclear-blast proof port entrance on the concrete beneath.  He pulls it out of the ground and light spills onto Oscar who's muttering something under his breath.

"You can't hide from Hulk, Stinky!"

Oscar holds a finger up and yells,

"Wormy!  Attack!!!"

A red and yellow striped line zips from his finger and strikes the Hulk in his right eye.  Searing pain lances thru the emerald giant's head and Oscar's compatriot, Wormy the worm, burrows thru the viscous liquid of his eye and gains access to his brain thru the path his optic nerve had occupied moments before his razor-lined maw began to work.

"What has Stinky man done to Hulk?"

The lumbering giant steps backwards shakily and forces his good left eye open just in time to see the relatively diminutive Oscar launch the contents of a rusted bucket into his face.

"It burns!"  screams the Hulk as he spins around in pain.

"It's gotten in Hulk's mouth!   It tastes like burning!"

"That'll teach ya!" a sinister chuckling voice says behind him.

With a deep, violent shudder, the Hulk falls backwards, his massive weight shaking Sesame Street as he splits the concrete around him.  Oscar squeezes around the Hulk's smoldering head to peer out of his hole.

"Who says garbage can't be your friend?"