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The Adventures of Bowser

Here's a piece of original fiction Canth wrote some time ago. It was just sitting there doing no good as a bunch of magnetic signals on a disk so I thought, "what the hey, let's put it on the net." If I recall, this was written sometime around 1992.

The Adventures of Bowser

By Canth Clroy


Bowser looked out over the front lawn of his owners' yard and sighed.

"I am king," he thought closing his eyes for a nap. "I am lord of the lawn."

A small yellow bird rustled the air a bit and landed quietly on the damp grass. It had rained the night before, there were worms to be found. The bird began poking the ground earnestly in search of a slimy snack.

The pickings were good. Enjoying himself immensely, the small bird began giving out joyful chirps whenever it came across an unlucky night crawler. Unfortunately, it was enjoying itself too much because danger lurked in the shadows. Unbeknownst to the bird, a calico cat hid in the shadows of a nearby bush. Just as the bird plunged its beak into the moist earth, the cat leapt from the shadows.

"Mraaaaaaaaa!" the calico cat's screeching alerted the wily bird which, in a flutter of yellow feathers, barely escaped the cat's claws.

"Damn," the cat hissed. 'There goes lunch."

The activity stirred Bowser from his slumber. The calico cat, too ticked off after losing lunch, licked the bush debris off its back and muttered obscenities to itself. In a surge of muscle and flesh, Bowser rose and took off all in one fluid motion and charged the cat.

"Ah, Fluffy, welcome to my lair,' he said menacingly. The cat's head popped up in a headlight stare at the approaching dog, arched its back and let out a meager hiss, but it was too late. Bowser had its mouth closed over Mitten's head. The cat was trapped.

"Orf gothooo nurwf,' Bowser said.

"What?" the cat screeched from the innards of Bowser's mouth.

"Orth gof oooh norwf,' Bowser said.

"I'm sorry, but I can't understand a word you are saying," the cat said rather calmly considering his predicament.'

"Orfth goth yoooh norwth," Bowser said.

"No good," the cat said.

Bowser spit the cat out.

"I've got you now,' Bowser said.

"Wrong," the cat smiled. 'By the way, never talk with your mouth full."

The cat took off, Bowser in pursuit.

"I'll kill you Fluffy,' Bowser hollered.

The cat laughed and ran up a tree.

"Can't catch what you can't get,' the cat said.

"Obviously," Bowser muttered. 'That's basically a redundant sentence. If I could get you, then I'd have caught you."

"Yes," said the cat. "And that, is where it's at."

"What are you talking about?" Bowser asked. 'I understood your sentence. Why is that is where is at?"

The cat stretched itself out over a branch.

"Because if you cannot get something, you cannot catch it," the cat answered.

"I know that," Bowser snarled. "And like I said before, it's a redundant sentence. Anyone knows what you said is true. Now you're answering my question to your statement with the same statement.'

"That is where it's at," the cat said.

"You're a freaking lunatic," Bowser snorted. "You don't make any sense at all. If I get the chance, I'll kill you."

"You cannot catch what you cannot get," the cat answered.

"Ahhhhhhhh," Bowser screamed. 'You cats are all insane. You make no sense whatsoever. You are bonkers, crackers, marble-less.'

Bowser took three steps back, got a running start and crashed into the tree.

"You cannot get what you" the cat began until the shaking tree branch he was stretched out across broke sending the cat, due to gravity, on a downward descent towards the nearly unconscious dog. Bonkers, trying vainly to remain aware of his immediate surroundings lunged, at Fluffy but missed and got a mouthful of sod.

"Thupith kath,' Bowser said.

"Don't talk with your mouthful, "Fluffy chortled running towards his home. Bowser stumbled twice, stopped, and spit out the sod.

"I do not choose to pursue the cat," he declared with flakes of sod falling from his mouth.

Immediately, Bowser forgot about the crazy cat. Instead his attention wavered between a floating butterfly and a minute gnat-sized gnat that buzzed in and out of his ear. Gradually, as the gnat continued to bounce around his hearing orifice Bowser's attention shifted completely to the almost invisible harasser. Suddenly, with a fury unseen since Old Yeller got bit by a rabid animal, Bowser managed to bite his own ear.

"I got you," Bowser bubbled as blood trickled down the side of his head.

'Hey Bowser, what's new?' It was Binky, Bowser's Basset Hound Buddy.

'Not much Bink," said Bowser carefully maneuvering his head to keep the bloody side out of Binky's view. Binky, sensing chicanery, tried to move himself to see what Bowser was hiding. Bowser quickly stuck his head in a nearby rose bush.

'"Bowser," Binky shouted in complete disbelief. 'What in a dog's bark are you doing."

'I'm stopping to smell the roses," Bowser grimaced as multiple thorn wounds were inflicted on his head. He extracted his head with a jerk and several additional wounds opened on his head.

"Why Bowser," Binky exclaimed matter-of-factly. "You are now a bloody mess."

"Doesn't hurt," he grinned with noted strain. "It's fun. Try it."

Binky sniffed hesitantly at the bush.

"It doesn't look like much fun," Binky said with hesitance. "In fact, it looks kind of gruesome.'

Bowser blinked back tears of pain.

"Nah, its great." Bowser said through gritted teeth. 'I'm a better dog for having done it."

Binky fixed a wide-eyed stare on Bowser's grinning-bloody face.

"Are you sure?'

Bowser stopped biting his tongue. 'Yes, it's an excellent way to wind down from a tension filled morning. By the way, feels good."

Binky look at the bright green leaves and inviting roses. Took a deep breath of resolve and plunged his head into the bush.

"Quick, Binky, smell the roses, smell the roses," Bowser exclaimed in a voice bordering between laughter and anguish.

Binky's eyes clamped shut, his mouth opened in a silent cry of pain. But he held it in. He was not going to give Bowser the satisfaction. Slowly, in a maneuver that merely caused the infliction of more thorn wounds, Binky extracted his bloodied head from the rose bush.

"Great, wasn't it," Bowser laughed with that ever present hint of agony.

Binky, forced to keep his right eye closed to prevent blood from running into it smiled a toothy grin.

"Eah," he slightly moaned. "It was the best. I feel better for having smelled the roses."

"How did it feel?" Bowser answered in a constipated voice.

"Relaxing, very relaxing," Binky replied in matching voice tone. "They have such a sweet, sweet smell.'

The two bleeding dogs stood grinning at each other for several minutes. Both striving hard to mask the pain they had inflicted on themselves, while searching for a way to uncover the agony the other was experiencing.

'No, I mean what did you feel," Bowser grunted.

It was at this point three dogs, a beagle named Rex, a bulldog named Spike and a black lab named Larry, who all lived on the next street over, appeared on the scene.

"My word," said Rex. "Have you two been engaging in fisticuffs?'

'Yeah, have you two been fighting?" Spike asked.

'That is what I queried," Rex said down his nose in Spike's direction.

"No, we were smelling the roses," Bowser answered with a grin of pain still imprinted on his face. "It was great, want to try it?"

"My word," said Rex. 'Why, in heaven's name, would we possibly wish to partake in such an action."

"Why would we want to do that?" Spike asked.

'It's great fun," Binky grimaced. The grin still pasted to his face.

Larry eyed the two carefully.

"You guys look mighty cut up,' he said.

'They are lying," came a screechy voice from the tree. 'I did that to both of them."

Fluffy walked along a branch above the startled dogs. Somehow the cat had slipped back up the tree when no one was looking.

"Yes, it's true. I maimed them both,' the cat chortled.

"That's not true you stupid cat," Bowser retorted. "We both did this by sticking our heads in the rose bushes. You're just a pansy cat."

Fluffy licked his paw, carefully showing his claws.

"Ah, yes, but could a rose bush cause a wound like the bite I took out of your ear?" the cat asked.

All four dogs quickly moved to scrutinize Bowser's bitten ear.

"My word," Rex said. 'There is a rather nasty bite wound present upon your ear."

"Looks like someone bit your ear," Spike said gaining a disapproving stare from Rex.

Larry looked at the wound real close.

"Yep, it's a bite wound."

Binky stared at Bowser in a mix of triumph and depression. (if that is indeed possible.) "That stupid cat didn't lay a paw on me," Bowser protested. "I bit myself on the ear." All four other dogs stared even harder at Bowser.

"I did," he said.

"Tisn't possible," Rex answered. "A dog simply cannot bite his own ear."

"Biting your own ear- can't be done," Spike said.

Larry looked closely at Bowser's ear. "Nope. Doesn't seem likely," he said.

Bowser tried to explain how, in a fit of fury, he had bitten his own ear while trying to kill a pesky gnat.

"So, that's why he smelled the roses," Binky mumbled inaudibly to himself in such a way that no one could hear him.

"I say," Rex said. "It still doesn't seem a likely occurrence that a dog could inflict such a wound on his own ear."

"Dogs can't bite their own ears," said Spike.

Larry looked closely at Bowser.

I told you, I did it," the cat screeched hysterically.

You did not," Bowser retorted.

"Did, and I could take you all," the cat screeched back. "For I am Fluffy --- King of the Cats. Ha ha ha ha!"

"I say," Rex said looking up at Fluffy. "That cat is quite insane."

"Cat's crackers," Spike said.

Larry looked closely at Fluffy.

"Yep, he's crazy all right," he said. "Bonkers even."

"I'm not Fluffy,"Fluffy said. "I'm the Killer Cat. I'm the Terdble Tabby. I'm the Powerful


"He's the Crack-pot Kitty," Bowser mused.

"I'm the Fabulous Feline," he continued raving standing on his back legs. Suddenly the branch broke and Fluffy predictably fell amongst the five dogs.

"Back off," he hissed. "I'm the Calico Crusher."

The five dogs beat Fluffy senseless.

"What fun," Rex chirped as he departed along with Spike and Larry. "The only more entertaining occurrence that comes to mind was when we all left excrements in Binky's lawn to get him in the stir with his master."

"That was better then when we pooped on Binky's yard so his owner would be mad," Spike said.

Larry just looked hard at where they were going.

"Well, looks like we got him," Binky exclaimed lightly kicking the body of the unconscious cat.

"Those dogs from the other street are annoying," Bowser said watching the three

departing canines. "What kind of name is Larry a dog?"

Binky picked Fluffy up in his mouth and threw him into the rose bush.

"Quick Fluffy, smell the roses, smell the roses," he exclaimed. Bowser laughed.

"What a sap you are," Bowser laughed. "I can't believe you actually listened to me about the roses."

"Who's a sap?" Binky wined. "You bit your own ear."

"It's a skill," Bowser said. "Only an accomplished dog can do it."

"It's not so hard," Binky said. "Anyone can do it."

"Nope," Bowser said haughtily.

With a certain amount of skill, a great deal of gusto and quite a bit of luck, Binky managed to bite his own ear.

"See, it's not so hard," Binky bubbled.

"Easy for you," Bowser smiled. "You're a basset hound. Us mongrels have it tougher.

We don't have long floppy ears."

"That's not my fault," Binky mumbled.

"Now, a real skill is if you can catch your own tail," Bowser said. "That takes some doing."

"That's simple," Binky charged. "I can do it any time."

Binky instantly took off after his tail. It was 15 minutes before he got too dizzy to continue and fell over in a daze.

"See," Bowser said.

"I...don't ... feel ... too ... good," Binky moaned before throwing up.

Suddenly Binky's owners' voice broke the noonday air.

"Oh, oops. I have to go now, see you later," Binky groaned tripping over his feet, roots, grass and whatever else he could find I'll come by later."

Bowser kind of did a dog wave.

"See you around Bink."

Bowser yawned and circled around on the concrete walkway in front of his house.

He looked out over his lawn.

"I am king," he thought closing his eyes for a nap. "I am lord of the lawn."

A small yellow bird rustled the air a bit and landed quietly on the dry grass. In the rose bush, an angry cat began to regain consciousness.

"I am the Creme-de-la-Cat," Fluffy mumbled. "I see my lunch."

However, as Fluffy began moving around in an attempt to free himself of the rose bush, he proceeded to puncture himself numerous times.

"Oh, damn, ohh, &$%$," he mumbled as he struggled to free himself from the bush's thorns. Bowser, tired by the morning's excitement, did not stir. The bird flew away.

"This is no way to treat the Grandiose Grimalkin," Fluffy muttered.

It took some doing, but Fluffy eventually extracted his punctured self from the rose bush's clutches. Bowser kept right on sleeping.

"The Magnificent Mouser punishes all who stand in his way," Fluffy screamed. Bowser stirred slightly, then woke completely as the cat sank its claws into his back.

"Owooooooooooo," Bowser hollered. "I've been stabbed."

"No, you've been clawed by Fluffy the Flawless," the cat screeched. "Vengeance shall be mine."

Bowser bit at the cringing calico cat, but to no avail.

"Ha, ha ha," Fluffy laughing. "The Terrific Tabby shall not be thwarted."

Rising, Bowser took a running start at the rosebush.

"You shall be wounded more than the Perpetual Pussy-Cat," Fluffy cried.

But, Bowser was the wiser. As he neared the bush, the dog veered towards the tree. With unusual dexterity, Bowser managed to fling himself at the tree in such a manner that Fluffy caught it full flush on the face. The collision dislodged the cat from Bowser's back."

"The Courageous Cat has been wounded," Fluffy said before passing out for the second time that day:

"The Flighty Feline is a fool," Bowser said craning his neck to examine the deep wounds on his back. "I'm getting pretty beat up today."

Bowser spent the rest of the afternoon tossing Fluffy against the tree. Every time the cat began to regain consciousness, Bowser made sure to knock him out again.

. Haven't had this much fun since Binky knocked himself out chasing Mrs. Pinneyhead's cat," Bowser mused.

He had just knocked Fluffy out for the eighth time when, in an usual display of awareness, Bowser heard Fluffy's owner, Kimmy, approaching. Bowser quickly lay down next to the conked out cat and pretended to be asleep.

"Aw, puddy cat sleeping with the doggie," Kimmy cooed quietly. Bowser pretended to stir and stretched.

"Was the doggie playing with my kitty?" Kimmy asked lifting Fluffy into her arms. Bowser, not wishing to reveal that animals can completely understand humans, but wanting to affirm Kimmy's own suggestion, kind of nodded a little bit. He then smiled and panted.

"You two must have played all morning," Kim said petting her cat. "Fluffy is so tired. Look at how he's sleeping. I love my little kitty. Thanks for playing with him doggie."

Kim petted Bowser's head and skipped away with the still unconscious cat clutched in her arms.

"Kimmy and her kitty," Bowser yawned. And he promptly fell asleep.